When your children have grown, it’s hard to know how to go about setting boundaries with your adult children. Some children may decide to test your boundaries by being too needy and lacking independence. They might do things like ask you for money or have no interest in ever moving out, becoming quite comfortable that mom and dad will always take care of them and foot the bill.
Other adult children may do the opposite to test boundaries – moving to another side of the country or world, never calling you, or being pretty much uninvolved.
It is up to you to decide what types of boundaries you should set with your adult children, but it’s very important that they do get established at some point or another.
Here are some tips to help with setting boundaries with your adult children:
1. Define What Your Limits Are: When your kids were younger, you put limits on them such as how much tv they could watch or when they could go out with friends. While the kids may be out of the house now, having a set of “house rules” is still a good idea. Define what limits you have – how much financial help you will offer or how much time you will give them.
2. Don’t Enable Them: Many parents have a hard time with letting go and watching their children struggle on their own. Struggling however is a part of life, and very few adult children will automatically walk right into the perfect situation. Don’t bail them out each and every time they need help – otherwise they will start to depend on you more and more. Take a look at their behaviors that are bothering you – then see if there is anything you can do which would help separate you from the situation. If you constantly enable them, they will only continue to repeat the behavior.
3. Listen: Sometimes all your kids really need is just someone to listen to them. Try not to make automatic judgement or decisions. If they are struggling with a problem, ask them questions – don’t be tempted to tell them what to do.
4. Talk to Them: Some adult children may be oblivious that you don’t want to watch the grand kids constantly or that they are even doing something that is bothering you. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell your kids how you feel and why you think something needs a change. Don’t be critical or angry – just calmly explaining your feelings might help them see your point of view and change their behavior.
5. Give It Time: While it might be nice to expect it to immediately change, chances are it will take some time for your adult children to learn the boundaries you expect for them. Stay firm on the boundaries and limits you have set and don’t be afraid to tell them no or give them no more chances. Eventually they will learn and you’ll be impressed with how well they’ve turned out.
It’s not easy to do any of these things, but hopefully with these tips you’ll be able to make worrying about setting boundaries with your adult children a thing of the past.